Thursday, December 30, 2010

I Said I Would Tell You . . .

I posted this picture one day on a "Friday's Five".

I told you someday I might tell you the story.
I decided I'd tell you.

2006 February
Golden Gate Bridge
By now in life, my body had given birth twice.
We had survived the first year of twins - that's the year everyone told us was just "survival".
I'd agree.
Ian was now 3 and a half and the twins were 1 and a half.

I had taken Jason on a 30th b-day surprise trip.
Like really a surprise . . . picked him up from a weekend Jr. High mission trip he was on and he thought we were going out to celebrate his birthday.
We did - we drove to the airport.
He unscrambled the letters to determine our destination and away we went for a few days.
No diapers in our suitcases.

Fast forward on that trip . . . .
We were on the Golden Gate Bridge and started to run.

We kept running and it became surreal to me.
I opened my mouth and said to Jason something that has stuck with me since the moment I said it,
"I feel so ALIVE in my body."
It was a physical feeling, a mental feeling, and a spiritual feeling.
Just the month before I had come very close to a weight goal I had set for myself after the twins.
He knew what I meant.
He knew that after all my body had been through, after all the lack of sleep, I felt full of energy again.
In that same moment I had a secret I had not told him yet.
I was planning to tell him at dinner.
I knew the physical "alive" part of the feeling I felt on the bridge was going to once again leave.
I was expecting baby number 4.
A planned baby number 4 I should say.

The energy did leave me.
It stayed gone for a long time.
Looking back now I'm sure I experienced some post partum depression following her birth.
I probably did after the twins too - but who would have known the difference between the sleep deprivation and depression. :))
One day, about 9 months after Tatum was born, I put to words what I wanted.
I didn't want a perfect body.
I didn't want to keep myself from yummy, delicious food.
I didn't want to be the girl that barely eats because she wants to be a certain size.
I didn't want to be obsessed by exercise or controlling what I was eating.
I didn't want to see a certain number on the scale.
I wanted what I felt on that bridge.

I wanted ENERGY.
I wanted to feel ALIVE in my body.
I wanted to be healthy.
I asked myself what I thought I needed to achieve that.
How could I feel alive when I was tired - four kids in four years - ministry - moving - etc. etc. etc.
Every one's body is different, but I believed it was a balance of several things that would bring me to that place again.
I've looked at this paper every day since that day.
After this past year I've decided their should be another thing added to it.
You know . . . . stress, anger, unforgiveness, anxiety, worry . . . . whatever it is.
Since round one of getting healthy again (this was round 2) I had packed on some "stuff" and my body wasn't going to respond to my running, walking, fruit eating life without me dealing with my stuff.
Fast forward again . . . 2010.
2010 is the year I can say I finally started to feel healthy again.
I love looking at this pink sheet.
It reminds me to process what's out of whack when I'm out of energy.
I think I'll keep it their forever reminding me of the day I jogged across the Golden Gate Bridge taking in air and literally feeling ALIVE in my body.
This body is a gift.
I will never weigh what I did on my wedding day.
I will never wear my prom dress again (who the heck would wear that thing?).
I will always have "beauty scars" reminding me of precious lives this body has carried.
But in THIS body I can be healthy, have energy, and FEEL ALIVE.
Thanks 2010 for a year of a road back to "health".


Debbie Wiens said...

Nicole, you are so wise in your young age! Thanks for the inspirational words! Just what I needed to hear to motivate me for this New Year ahead! Thanks!
Love ya,

Kimberlee said...

Beautifully said.
Happy New Year, friend!

Heidi Glanzer Carlson said...

Beautifully honest. Love your words.

Heidi Glanzer Carlson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peg said...

Love you Nicole! Thanks for sharing and reminding me what's important!

Hayley said...


Anonymous said...


Cale and Kim said...

great post nicole and great perspective =) something I needed to hear right about now!

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