Sunday, November 13, 2011

From my Heart

Journaling from my heart.
This morning I went to church with my kids while my man preached somewhere else.
I didn't go with a good heart.
I went with a tired heart, frustrated and just sick of some things.
I gave me kids some speeches on how to behave because I was tired and didn't want to deal with some of the things that can happen with kids in church.
Before church started a lady that had at least 3x the mothering years on me initiated a conversation.
Unbeknown to her she struck a cord in me - a mothering cord.
She struck a place that I've been wrestling with for awhile now.
Her words were few, but so challenging and really encouraging all at the same time.

Lately I've been feeling like my family is getting the left over part of me.
I give my patience to my preschoolers.
I give my passion for the hurting and those in need to my bible study group.
I give me compassionate words to any friend that needs to be encouraged.
I give my creativity to preschool and creating another great women's retreat.
And I give my mad organizational skills and attention to detail to everything I have my hand in.
But at home I'm impatient, my words are short and organization what?
I'm just tired.
I know God wants me to use my gifts and talents outside of my home - whether you work outside of the home or stay home full time your gifts/talents/love aren't just for the number of people in your family, however He also wants those gifts and talents to reach those within my walls.
I'm one of the primary people demonstrating those things to them.
I want my children to see the fruits of the spirit in ME.
Authenticity means everything to me.
If my children see me pouring life into other things or people yet don't see that within our home what does that teach?
The 12+ years of youth ministry that Jason and I participated in left me knowing one thing for sure . . . youth are onto their parents game when they act one way at home and another out and about.
That shapes their view of God, their view of living a life for God.
Now I'm one to take it to the extreme and I'm hardest on myself so I know that things aren't as bad as I'm painting the picture out to be.
Yes I've demonstrated extreme love to my children this week, yes I've used some of those great skills that I use outside of the home within my home so I'm not looking for a "you're a good mom speech", I'm just saying that in general I feel like everyone else is getting the best of me.
I'm just wrestling with the balance of a full life.
Anyone else?
I'm rereading a book on the Holy Spirit and I feel if there is any place in my life where I need to see the Holy Spirit's power revealed in me it's with my family.
I need patience, peace, kindness, goodness, self control, joy, gentleness, and love in my daily at home stuff.

I hope I didn't share too much or make some of you feel awkward.
I'm just saying how it is.
It's probably a safe bet to say that some of you are wrestling with how to balance a full life?
How to not give those I love the most my left overs?
I'm not really leaving you with answers, just thoughts.
Maybe these thoughts will stir up a conversation between yourself and God.

Let's wrap up this whole "journaling from my heart" post with something I did use my creativity for at home this week.
Actually today.
With several days of kids picking on each other and pestering each other I decided they needed to spend sometime together getting along doing something constructive.
So I gave them each a partner and a job they had to complete together.
If they completed the job without bossing each other, teasing each other, or just being rude to each other in general they would not be given another job.
If they did boss, tease, or be rude to one another while completing the job together they'd receive another job until they could do one together nicely.
Unfortunately  Fortunately they all accomplished this on the first try.
Now what do I do with that long list of jobs that still need to be done?

I guess I've save a little bit of creativity for my own family.
Now if I could work on saving some of those other skills. :))



Lynette said...

Thanks Nic -- You put into words the way I feel SO much of the time -- we just keep working at it... I think knowing that about ourselves is a step in the right direction. Hang in there Sister! I LOVE YOU!

Kimberlee said...

I hear ya.
And you didn't make me feel awkward.
It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Lisa said...

Not awkward at all! I can totally relate to this. Thanks for sharing!

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